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Four months later…

February 18, 2010

I have been such a slacker! So much has changed; things have gotten worse then better, we’ve made a huge decision to move that scares me intensely, and my little man is six months old!
Juggling marriage with motherhood is a challenge unto itself, but compounding that challenge with post-partum depression secondary to bipolar disorder is like an Olympic event that never ends. Yes, that’s right folks, I said bipolar disorder. Having bpd does not change who I truly am, it’s just a facet of my personality that requires a little understanding, patience, and open-mindedness. I was diagnosed as a young teen on the heels of some emotional trauma, so I fought hard against accepting it, and then let myself become a victim to it. Then as a young adult, I seemingly went into remission, and my symptoms dropped off…or so I thought. I was very much in denial about my illness until recently. Burying my head in the sand has nearly destroyed the family and life I’ve struggled to attain. Accepting the diagnosis has really set me free and strengthened my marriage. There are still obstacles, of course, but I feel like Dan will support me however I need him to. The timing of this understanding could not have been better, because he was about to throw in the towel. I wouldn’t have blamed him, and still wouldn’t, because it IS a lot to handle. It’s easier together and helpful that I’m aware and not going off the deep end.
Anyway…breastfeeding has been an incredible experience. It was very hard at first, and I almost gave it up. I am so glad I didn’t, for me and Danny. Our bond is so strong and I am so in love with him. Even though I find it repulsive, I now understand why some women nurse until their kids are in elementary school. I won’t, but I get it now. In the beginning, I struggled with a low supply, so we supplemented with formula. Then, my dedication to breastfeeding was questioned, and we cut out formula almost entirely. Danny still rarely gets formula (when there’s no expressed milk and I
am not nearby…very rare!) even though he’s started solid foods. I feel very accomplished for making it this far with breastfeeding and hope to go to at least a year. But we’ll see what happens when those teeth finally start sprouting!
I encourage anyone and everyone to at least try breastfeeding. It’s so good for your baby’s health and bonding. If it doesn’t work out, that’s fine – because you tried. I think it’s selfish to not even try, though.
Teething…has already been a nightmare, and he doesn’t even have any teeth yet! But they’re coming…his drool has increased, he’s fussier…it’s just a matter of time now. I’m not a big orajel fan, so we’re going with a little tylenol when he’s inconsolable, and teething tablets on occasion.
I’ve discovered that I am a ‘crunchier’ mother than I thought I would be. I’m nearly militantly pro-breastfeeding, I co-sleep (something I’d been adamantly against), I babywear, and I try to purchase organic/all natural baby products. Go figure, parenthood brings out the granola in me. Surprisingly, I’m still violently pro vaccinations, however. I find it irresponsible to not vaccinate our children when we can, when there are children around the world who will die because they didn’t have access to them. There’s no link to autism, and if you’re nervous, you can delay the schedule. But vaccinate your kids! Danny’s got his six month shots on Friday, and while I’m not excited, I know it’s what’s best for him, even though we both hurt afterwards.
Well…I think that’s enough soap boxery for one night. Since my new phone actually allows me to log in, check back frequently for updates!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 4, 2010 10:21 am

    Hey girl.
    Just wanted to say… I tried breastfeeding with my son, but he was jaundice and wouldn’t take…. I had to stop but I’m a big advocate of it…it does more than vaccines. 🙂 I believe in vaccines too…for kids. As an adult you can choose if you want it..but the reason a lot of very scary illnesses are gone is because of vaccine use.
    The postpartum depression??? Lordy…it’s horrid. I got that too. I didn’t know it at the time, until a nurse told me. I was laughing and then suddenly bawling. They have nurses here that do home visits when you first have a baby – just to check on things….. 🙂
    Hang in there, it’ll get better soon! But it’s good you’ve come to terms with the BPD… it’s debilitating! But controllable.
    For teething you can also freeze toys, rubber rings and facecloths. 🙂
    Love T.

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