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Intense…in tents…intense.

July 12, 2010

Oh, how I love wordplay!
Some things I have written have been described as “a little too intense.” In some ways, I agree, and I have toned down specific passages, removed some things, and hidden others in response. But this statement of intensity has set me to pondering….why are my views so intense? What is it about me and/or my surroundings that prompts me to express myself in such a way?
Perhaps it’s my flair for the dramatic – which is not to say I’m a drama queen (I hope I’m not one!) – but that I take a bit more creative license with my descriptions than is wholly necessary. I have often been praised for my creative writing capabilities, and the point of this blog is to gain readership and share my point of view of motherhood with bipolar and post-partum depression. A little edge hooks people in. 🙂
Speaking of bipolar, perhaps that is what makes me so intense. When asked to describe myself, I have often used phrases like “I have a strong personality”. I do get along well with others, and I tend to move into leadership roles. I also experience things a bit differently than others. Even with proper medication, my emotions are always running high, regardless of what they are. This means that my experiences are often colored by my extreme emotions. Thus, intense descriptions of events.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these things. I wonder a lot what my life would be like without bipolar. Who would I be? Would I be as clever as I am? Or as funny? As good a listener? I don’t know. It’s so odd to me how interconnected bipolar is to who I am. I try to seperate myself from it, but looking with a clear, cold eye, I really don’t think I can. All of my experiences, all of my interactions, my whole life has been painted, on some level, by living with bipolar.
And now I’m a mother who is growing codependent on her child and struggling to find herself again. I’d gotten into a really great groove back in Anchorage, but now I’m kind of adrift again. Getting into school is going to be a big leap for me in regaining my sense of true independence, self worth, and self respect. I hope that I’m not putting too much pressure on myself.
Anyway, I’m making a conscious effort to dial down the negative intensity. I think I may do a series of soap box-y type posts on things like breastfeeding, circumcision, and other controversial motherhood topics. It could be fun!

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