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Ruminations on body image…

August 23, 2010

I have struggled since puberty with my weight and body image. Even when I was actually thin, I had no true self confidence because of ongoing psychological torment. Even though I was trim, healthy, and at my ideal weight, my body wasn’t good enough, my genetically amble bosom made me an automatic slut, and at 13, I was too fat.
How I dealt with this was a combination of anorexia and binge-eating. Obviously, that plan backfired in a big way – once the balance shifted to more binging and less anorexia, I started gaining weight rapidly. During this time, I acted out in ways that have had resounding effects across the years.
When we were trying to get pregnant, a lot of what I heard was “you need to lose weight.” That’s because I had put on about fifty pounds since graduating high school. I had gone from slightly overweight to nearly morbidly obese in just two years.
I didn’t lose any weight, but obviously, we still managed to get pregnant. My pre-pregnancy weight was 208. I know. I ended the pregnancy at around 230, but I was back to my pre-weight within ten days of giving birth, which shows that it was all baby and water retention. 🙂 I tried not to worry too much about it at first, since I knew that one of the myriad of benefits of breastfeeding is the intense amount of calories it burns, but I was always preoccupied with my weight. Especially because of how different my body looks and feels after delivering a baby. Clothes are harder to buy after you’ve spent most of a year in elastic topped pants!
When we moved back East, Dan and I started walking every day. That has since kind of fallen apart, but it’s also been hotter than Hades, so even breathing has been an exercise! I also haven’t been eating much (not a relapse – I have milk to produce!) I haven’t been consuming nearly as much as I did before. So I have officially crashed back through the glass ceiling of 200 pounds, and I’m only 63 from my goal weight! I can barely believe it and I’m so excited! I even have plans to start working out at school to help keep myself on the right path. The only thing that sucks is that I need transition clothes…otherwise I look like a frumpy school marm. Not cute.
Anyway, my whole point in starting this particular post is that getting thinner and healthier should not be based on others’ expectations or definitions of beauty. That process should come from self love, self respect, and love for your family (because being healthier will help you live longer, duh). I’ll be 23 at the end of this week and I’m only just learning how to love my body and appreciate all that it can do. I have created life, given birth, and nourished my sweet baby for over a year now.
I started going back to school to help me be a better mom, on several levels, and a driving force behind my health revolution is also that I want to be the best mother I can be. I want to be able to play and run around with my kids and not have to double over, panting, because I’m too out of shape to do it. I don’t want to struggle to get pregnant every time we go to have a baby. I want to set a healthy example for my children, so that they can avoid the same problems. So, to help me achieve these goals, I’m going to start doing a weekly weigh-in post. Scary? Oh yes. But also good, I think. I’ll also do measurements, because just with the 10-14 pounds I’ve already lost, I’m down two shirt sizes and a pants size and a half. And it feels GREAT!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. August 23, 2010 11:08 pm

    Congratulations hun… just remember. So long as you feel healthy! 🙂
    It’s hard work, I know… I’m higher than I’ve ever been…hence the sudden need to bike ride until my body tells me off. lol 🙂
    xoxoxo

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