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Memories, All Alone in the Moonlight…

May 30, 2012

It’s funny, how time can fade memories so that they play like an old filmstrip, with scene breaks and pops in the film. The edges are blurred and in sepia tones, but certain words, or smells, or places, or tastes can throw you right back like they’re a time machine. When that happens, you have to shake yourself out of the memory to return to the present or risk reliving what you’ve stumbled upon, good or bad.

I’ve realized lately that a lot of my memories are like this…even just of the last few years. Almost like I didn’t live my life, but I watched it happen. It’s a startling, uncomfortable discovery…and one I’m not sure how to correct.
I think, perhaps, that a lot of it was my mind protecting me from my reality. I had terrible PPD after Danny was born, and then the nightmare that was our life back East. (Have I mentioned how grateful I am to live in Alaska again? Because I.Am.So.Grateful.) I feel robbed of many of Danny’s firsts, because the memories are already so blurred. Living on our own again makes such a stark difference; it’s completely abstract to me how anyone could want to share the early family years so intimately with other adults. I can’t see how it works without at least one person stifling their authentic self, which is horrifying to consider. I’ll never do it again.

This time is such that I’ll never have it again. I must make it count for me and my sweet babies. Living a clouded existence is not an option. And, after all, my favorite quote comes from JM Barrie (author of

    Peter Pan

):

Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.

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